There is little that is going right and I can feel myself starting to disintegrate at a concerning rate. I used to be in touch with myself, I used to feel my future in front of me, and even at the darkest moments I at the very least used to be able to feel the world around me, but my mental health, my derealization, and self-apathy have grown to an extreme that has reduced me as a person to a point I have never reached before. I cannot find the will to do things anymore, I cannot find the will to talk to people, I cannot find the will to put on clothes , I cannot find the will to get out of bed anymore, I cannot find the will to imagine the future anymore. I have reclused myself into a tiny indestructible bubble. I am trapped between four walls and I do not want to go outside anymore. I do not want people to seek me out, I do not want to engage with the world. I can’t listen to my favorite music anymore. I can't enjoy things anymore. Everything reminds me how much I am not the person I want to be, and furthermore the fact that I was in fact closer to that person 6 years ago. I have not stepped forward, I have regressed, I look at that version of me and I see someone healthier, happier, more social, less awkward, less frantic, less desperate, less anxious, and someone with more inside. I hear someone say my name and I am horrified, it feels like I'm a body snatcher. I am not him, he is who I want to be, but I stopped being him. People remember him, people talk about him, but he is not there. I live in a revolving door of memories and I just keep spinning around in circles. I am haunted by the abject failure of my own personhood. I remember when I was 16 and I went to Japan, it was the only major life victory I have ever achieved. I felt like I was finally going to do something, and so much of it was hollow. I was awkward, I couldn't really keep up with everything, and I was alone. I wondered how I forgot who I was, and why I had thought it would be different here. I was in the place I wanted to be but I was not the person I wanted to be. And I don't have some easy out, it's not like I was an evil person or a bad person, I just had too much weakness. I was pathetic, I was nervous, I couldn't speak for myself, I couldn't live properly. I came home from that and sat on my bed alone in my room and I just thought, why did I save myself. Why did I pull myself out of the swimming pool, why did I stop myself from drinking the drain cleaner, I thought that was supposed to be the moment I realized I could be something. But it was just kind of for nothing. I can't even blame my childhood anymore. The abuse is just flecks of dust on the horizon of my memory. There is so much I have seen, felt, experienced, that I could never get anyone else to understand, that slowly dissolves me. And then the world around me burns to pieces, I'm stuck in this sinking ship, I'm stuck in what historians will remember as a cautionary tale and I wonder if it's even worth continuing. But I digress, I still have to live. No matter what misery tomorrow brings I will see it to a bitter end. I hope when I am laid, I die as Konrad and not his actor as I have been for so long, but I fear to hold my breath.